apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Randomize
