Non-Jews are for practice
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
