She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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