dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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