Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
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