after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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