my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
