Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
