nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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