I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Randomize
