I'm drive I can fine osifer
Welp...herpes.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Randomize
