Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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