Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
