Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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