If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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