Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
