My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
