I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
