in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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