The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
