I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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