Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize