dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
