Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
