I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I faked an abortion last night.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Randomize
