hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
