I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
