I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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