If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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