Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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