M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
