between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
