life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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