i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
