i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
