i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
