If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
