Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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