Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
