I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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