Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
