billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
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