how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
