I just threw up on my dentist
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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