it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
