Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
