You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
