be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
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