my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
