Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
