im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
