you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
