Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
