U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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