new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
