Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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