i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
