seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
