So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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