Even the bartender felt bad for me
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
