If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
