you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
