I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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